


I Never Really Cared (Until I Met You)

by KingJackson



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, jackson has a lot of stuff going on and mark doesn't so you get this fic, mentions of trainee days, timelines are vague but you get the idea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-01-31 10:43:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12680280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingJackson/pseuds/KingJackson
Summary: All Mark wanted was to get Jackson alone.(Some things are easier said than done.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I guess you can blame this fic happening on the fact that I realized I have never actually written canon Markson and wanted to take some of my current free time to do so before kicking off my next 50k+ fic. I'm not sure how long this will be (I'm guessing 4 chapters and 10-12k-ish), but please enjoy!
> 
> This fic is heavily inspired by this song - (["Alone" by Heart](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ak9tQ3gMItE))

Silent, weak-willed, vacant.

Used to the various ways he had been described over the years, Mark was no longer surprised when even a close friend or family member pulled out a thinly-veiled insult to rile him up. While most were spoken with a heavy dose of sarcasm, he knew what they actually meant, the words barely denting his soft-spoken exterior. Mark was the quiet member of the group, the quiet member of his family and the quiet member of his friends back home in California. It was a role he didn’t particularly feel like fighting, years of evidence stacked too tall to begin to tear down.

Mark remembered when he accepted the offer to move overseas to begin training at one of the largest entertainment companies in the country, thinking that it may become an opportunity to start fresh and find his footing. When he fell into the same habits (labeled as the quiet _American_ kid), Mark kept to himself, his once new sense of wonder to explore corners of his personality that he didn’t know even existed waning with each passing day. Days were long and schedules were packed even without a realistic goal in sight, Mark going along with the motions as best as he could handle, wondering if he had picked the right path after all.

Describing Jackson’s arrival to the company as _life-changing_ would be an understatement. After an awkward meeting merely hours after Jackson had landed in the country to start his own journey, Mark was immediately fascinated by the other’s personality, wondering how someone so gregarious and inviting could still make Mark feel like the most awkward person in the world. Luckily, the pair were matched as roommates shortly after, the one-on-one time allowing Mark to open up and reveal his true self to someone for the first time since he had signed his life away to become a trainee nearly a year before.

In simple terms, Jackson seemed like his opposite. Coming from an athletically-inclined family, he was set to compete on the highest stage of competitive fencing, ready to make a name for himself in the honor of his parents. However, Jackson explained to Mark that his heart was no longer in it in recent years and that he had snuck out to audition for the company without notifying his parents. Mark was intrigued to learn about the ways Jackson had to convince them to let him go, realizing that his opportunity to make something of himself came at a much lower cost than Jackson’s journey could afford. The pair continued to bond as the weeks wore on, becoming inseparable even during their brief moments of free time, Mark even able to visit with Jackson’s family on an impromptu trip back to the younger boy’s hometown.

As they learned of their fates to finally debut together in a group of seven boys, Mark observed how Jackson’s mind locked into overdrive, his pure passion for performing showing itself easily with every practice and test the company demanded. Even when offered tough criticism, Jackson simply bowed his head and nodded, accepting the words, turning them into study points for the days to come. Watching Jackson blossom from a fencer into an idol-in-waiting was an artform Mark was sure no one else could truly appreciate, wishing his sense of drive was even half as powerful as Jackson’s. While Jackson considered debuting only his first step on the path of success, Mark still felt like he was in the eye of the storm, unsure of where his life’s direction wanted to pull him to.

 

(Nearly four years into his life as an idol, not much had changed.)

 

While some of his reservations had been put to rest, Mark was still figuring himself out in the grand scheme of things, the world surrounding him changing faster than he liked. Members were not only offering their own unique compositions to the group’s albums, but also creating their own music on the side for personal fulfilment. Some had even moved out to get a space of their own, Youngjae being the first with Jackson and BamBam following shortly after. Not all being in the same space left Mark with a somewhat shaky foundation, realizing that a lot of his insecurities and shortcomings were easily concealed by simply having the presence of another member nearby.

Schedules rapidly changed as well, allowing for members to begin to bring a new sense of awareness to their group and to their own personalities. Having completed a trip to the jungle earlier in the year, Mark wasn’t surprised when Jaebum was selected for another episode later in the year, reassuring the leader that it would be no trouble at all compared to what he had endured. With a few over the top anecdotes from Jackson’s perspective, Jaebum seemed ready to take on the challenge, keeping his cool composure on the way to his destination.

Even as Jackson dealt with personal issues and his own growing empire in a completely different country, Mark observed how he never seemed to fade out. Always burning brightly, Jackson still gave every opportunity his full attention, pouring his heart and soul into every moment as if it were his last. Sometimes, the drive worried Mark, wondering when the load would simply be too much and if the company would have to take more off of his plate to balance him out. Luckily, the recent adjustments to allow Jackson a bit of personal freedom seemed to put him in a sweet spot of scheduling, the older boy finding himself worrying less about his friend’s health and more about how selfish he had become in wishing the other could hang around more often.

With Jaebum away, the dorm was only partially filled with its usual suspects, Mark holed himself up in his bedroom, straining his eyes at his computer as he lost complete track of time playing a video game with his friends back home. The time difference made it nearly impossible for him to connect with them unless he had a full day off and he was taking advantage of every minute, yelling into the headset without the fear of waking someone up. It was his favorite pastime, something that shouldn’t seem as relaxing as it was, but really helped him channel some of his stress and frustrations in a semi-positive way.

Glancing down at his phone, Mark checked the time quickly to make sure he wasn’t fully removed from the real world. A couple of days prior, Jackson had texted Mark to ask if he could be the one to pick him up at the airport, leaving out the part where it wouldn’t necessarily be him behind the steering wheel. Actual meaning aside, Mark jumped at the chance to spend some one-on-one time with Jackson, feeling the slight disconnect deepening as time passed. Happy to see his members diversifying their own portfolios, Mark didn’t know how to label his internal monologue when it came to Jackson, not sure if it could be considered jealousy (BamBam had mentioned in passing that he felt a slight pang of envy when looking at Jackson’s upcoming schedules) or sadness (Yugyeom offered a more emotional approach, letting him know he missed his _hyung_ almost as much as Mark did).

Jackson _was_ the member he remained closest to, the person he could always count on for the past six years, someone he didn’t have to explain himself to when he felt like no one else could even begin to understand. Mark may have been quiet, but his emotions ran just as, if not deeper than the rest of their friends, his sometimes blank façade able to conceal what was lingering down beneath. Having even a half hour of time to catch up in the backseat of a car would be much appreciated, knowing that while he would explain how he had done absolutely _nothing_ worthy of anyone’s time, Jackson would have a million crazy stories about unbelievable things he saw on his trips. Mark also hoped that like clockwork, Jackson would have just the tiniest piece of advice to offer, reassuring Mark that everything was exactly as God intended, that the path they were both on was purposely chosen for them to walk down.

As the expected arrival time of Jackson’s flight approached, Mark checked his phone to still see no notification bubble popping up from the other boy, sighing as he decided to get ready to head to the airport just in case. Pulling on a pair of black joggers and his favorite oversized hockey-style jersey, Mark ran his fingers through his hair in the bathroom mirror before brushing his teeth, picking out a mask and hat for the journey as well. Pocketing his cell phone, Mark went to exit his room, fingers lingering on the doorknob as he heard a familiar sound ringing down the hall.

Opening the door a sliver, there was no mistaking the bubble of laughter as anything but Jackson’s signature cackle, Mark’s heart sinking inside of his chest as he stepped into the hallway. Peering down at his feet while walking, he barely could muster the energy to peer up at his friends all gathered around the couch in the living room, Jackson sitting at the center of attention as Jinyoung, Yugyeom and BamBam all fussed over takeout boxes spread across the wooden coffee table.

“Mark!” Jackson exclaimed, trying to supress another giggle. “You _have_ to watch this video BamBam took of his cat! You have to see his eyes, he gives Coco a run for her money.”

 

Mark had two options: get mad or go along with it.

 

(Ever since he met Jackson, he usually settled on the latter.)

 

“Your flight,” Mark decided on instead, messing with the latch on the back of his baseball cap. “I thought you wanted me to bring the car to the airport for you?”

“Oh my god, did my text not go through?” Jackson sighed, checking his phone and shaking his head. “I got put on an earlier flight and just paid for a cab. Didn’t want to interrupt your plans on your day off.”

“I wouldn’t have minded,” Mark reassured softly, clearing his throat as Jinyoung eyed him suspiciously. “So, are you uh… staying the night?”

“Can’t,” Jackson groaned, rolling his head back dramatically. “I can finally squeeze in a trip to the gym first thing tomorrow and if I stay here, you’ll all make me drink and then I won’t be able to go.”

“It’s not our fault you’re a lightweight, hyung,” Yugyeom smiled cheekily. “There’s something called _moderation_.”

“Whatever,” Jackson elbowed Yugyeom in the side before looking back over at Mark. “Are you still heading out? I can’t imagine there’s anything you’d want to get that we didn’t have delivered. Bam, scoot over so Mark has room.”

“It’s fine,” Mark waved him off, placing the cap on his head. “I’m just gonna go grab some ice cream. Did you guys want some?”

Fielding the rapid requests streaming from his bandmate’s mouths, Mark jotted the orders in a note on his phone before glancing back over at Jackson who had remained quiet. If he wasn’t mistaken, the younger boy looked guilty, Mark trying to silently communicate that it was alright that his plans had changed and he wasn’t exactly in the loop.

 

(Plans changed all the time, Mark quickly learned as he watched Jackson stay behind when the rest of them were jetting off to Japan almost every other weekend in preparations for their new promotions there.)

 

“You know what I like,” Jackson at last offered, his guilty pout turning into a soft smile as he spoke in English as if it added to his apologetic nature. “Take my card?”

Nodding as he approached the couch, Mark waited as Jackson fumbled for his wallet in the back pocket of his pants, sliding out the plastic rectangle and passing it to the older boy, fingertips brushing ever so gently as their eyes met a final time.

“Take your time, hyung,” Jackson grinned, his familiar accented Korean like comforting music to Mark’s ears. “We’ll be waiting.”

With a tight-lipped smile, Mark exited the room, sliding on whatever shoes he last left at the doorway, stepping out into the chilly autumn night. Pulling on his facemask, he started the brief route to the nearest corner store, fingers spinning the sturdy plastic embossed with _JACKSON WANG_ and a series of numbers on the back bottom left-hand corner between his fingers.

 

(The night he met Jackson, he knew just the place to take him. Having a convenience store so close to the dorm made the simple snack run easy. After all, ice cream was his favorite treat, too.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note: this focuses on one single (fictional) fansign, but before you try to figure out which one, I literally combined a bunch of "important moments" from the ones at the end of last/beginning of this month (for the story's sake).
> 
> Enjoy!

Adjusting to having his own room for the first time in years seemed impossible, Mark still waking up expecting to see belongings of another person scattered throughout the room, hearing some light snoring as he climbed out of bed. Ever since getting his own personal space, Mark tried to take advantage of it, taking a shower and lounging around in a towel for as long as he pleased, listening to whatever he wanted as he got ready for the day. It was calming to have these few hours alone, able to block out whatever was happening outside his locked bedroom door to have some peace, preparing himself for what seemed like another busy day.

Mark always enjoyed fansignings and getting to interact with the people who were some of their biggest supporters, but it was the idea that he was constantly being watched and monitored that always seemed to weigh on him. Any words he spoke or odd look given would be recorded either in a photograph or by video, ready to be shared instantaneously with the world. As most assumed, Mark was quiet, but he wasn’t oblivious to the way people reacted online, knowing that any misstep or suspicious behavior could start a random rumor that was only a misunderstanding.

Pulling on an oversized army green shirt before exiting his room, Mark offered a head nod to Jaebum in the hall, heading into the kitchen before pouring some cereal in a bowl with a glass of milk on the side. Eating in silence, Mark focused on enjoying his continued “alone time” until a commotion was heard outside the doorway, BamBam barging in as Yugyeom followed him close behind. Too engrossed in his meal to care, Mark continued to alternate each spoonful of cereal with a sip of milk, watching as his two bandmates argued over something that both of them would forget by the time the signing happened later on. It was a typical day at the dorm and he was in no hurry to involve himself in anyone else’s issues, eventually heading back to his own room to wait until the company cars would pick them up.

As he lounged back on his bed, Mark thought of how exciting every event was the first year of being in the group, how each individual meeting stood out in his mind. Going into the group’s fourth year, they started to blend together, some indistinguishable from others, most just another opportunity to thank the people that helped them gain success in such a short period of time. He would be able to stand on stage, interact with his friends and hopefully make someone’s day just by being himself which was more than he could have ever dreamed would be possible back home in California.

(Mark tried to forget that it always seemed easiest to forget about the cameras and constant surveillance when Jackson was attached at his hip to distract him, but being “too close” wasn’t in their job description anymore.)

With a gentle knock at his door, Jinyoung peered inside, offering a soft smile as he noticed Mark nearly lost in his own thoughts in bed.

“Cars are almost here,” Jinyoung noted, the door opened enough for only his head. “Figured you’d appreciate the heads up.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Mark smiled slightly, rolling off the edge of the bed to make sure he wasn’t forgetting anything, slipping on his favorite necklace before making sure his hair wasn’t sticking up randomly. “Are we picking the others up?”

“They’re stopping to get Youngjae first,” Jinyoung explained, eyes somewhat avoiding Mark’s gaze directly as he finished his statement. “Jaebum said Jackson is meeting us there.”

“Oh,” Mark replied, hand gripping his phone that hadn’t seemed to receive an answer from an earlier text message that would have given him something to look forward to. “That’s cool.”

“He didn’t tell you, did he?” Jinyoung asked in a quieter voice, acting as if he didn’t want anyone outside of the room to hear.

“No, but it’s fine,” Mark waved him off, putting on a smile for no other reason than to ease Jinyoung’s prying thoughts. “Probably busy, or something.”

“Hm,” Jinyoung hummed, nodding slightly. “I suppose so.”

Needing to change the subject more than ever, Mark opened the door more and squeezed out next to Jinyoung’s body, turning back with a smirk as he made his way down the hallway.

 

“You better hurry up or you’ll end up in the same car as Bam and Yugyeom.”

 

After waiting for everyone to pile inside the vehicles, the six boys were nearly late to their own event, having hit a bit of traffic along the way. Mark spent most of the ride trying to act like he didn’t care that they wouldn’t all arrive together, knowing that Jinyoung’s know-it-all look from earlier would haunt him all day. It wasn’t until they were all being rushed into a backstage waiting room that Mark got to see all seven of them together, their managers reading off a list of reminders of what not to say or do during the event, his heart feeling a bit lighter as his eyes met with Jackson’s across the room.

Eventually dismissed to have a few minutes before they would head out on stage, Mark made his way to weave through the others and the rest of their crew to meet Jackson in the corner where he stood, watching as Jackson’s eyes lit up as he approached. To say that he missed having the other around at all times was an understatement, Mark a bit too stubborn to admit to most that maybe he took all the years they were forced together 24/7 for granted.

“Hey,” Mark smiled, hands fidgeting at his sides before he forced them into his own pockets.

“Hi,” Jackson replied, smiling just as much with a nod. “How was the ride over?”

“Same as always,” Mark giggled softly. “Yugyeom and BamBam tried to lock Youngjae out of the van when they were fighting over who got to sit where. Jaebum ended up riding with them as punishment.”

“Punishment for who?” Jackson cackled. “Sounds like Jaebum brought on his own self-inflicted pain.”

“Yeah, well,” Mark shrugged, “at least I didn’t have to deal with it.”

“Very true,” Jackson agreed, fussing with a bracelet on his wrist before looking back up, a fond expression on his face. “Did you sleep well?”

“Uh,” Mark cleared his throat and nodded, fingers still twitching a bit in his pocket. “Yeah, slept fine. Same as always. You?”

“I guess the same,” Jackson knocked his elbow against Mark’s arm gently, expression even softer. “It’s just a little _too_ quiet.”

Before Mark could assure Jackson that getting rest was important no matter how noisy or quiet it could be, the staff began to usher them out of the room, adjusting any last minute outfit changes, letting them file onto the stage to find their seats for the day.

 

(As Mark sat down and away from Jackson, he remembered how quiet his life had been before the other boy had arrived on that July night in Korea. He tried to forget how quiet they learned to be.)

 

 

Mark wasn’t sure, but somehow he had ended up in a pair of angel wings, a rose-colored flower crown adorning the top of his head. If he had learned anything being in the industry, Mark knew that being cute paid dividends, letting his natural charm ooze out for the fans, forgetting about any qualms he had for the day as soon as he spoke to the first fan. It was easy to forget how far he had come since he left the states, but every little reminder boosted his self-esteem in the moment, letting himself have fun with it after a somewhat low-key start to his day. Teasing the other members, Mark enjoyed getting to act like the youngest kid in the room, still allowing himself the benefits of being the oldest.

The one thing Mark couldn’t let go of was the disconnect he still felt between himself and Jackson, hating how he couldn’t let go of the fact that he still felt out of the loop when it came to communication between them. After the confusion about his flight back home and how Jackson wouldn’t be traveling along with the group to the day’s schedules, all Mark wanted to do was have that one-on-one time he had been craving for what seemed like weeks. It was stupid for him to imagine it happening at the signing, surrounded by staff and fans, barely able to get the attention of any member he wished to interact with.

As soon as the moment presented itself for Mark to move around behind the table, he made his way over to speak with Jackson but stopped dead in his tracks as he spotted him hand-in-hand with Jinyoung beneath the flimsy sheer black tablecloth, neither really seeming to care what anyone might insinuate or care. Mark knew it was nothing more than show, just two friends getting along the way they usually did, Jinyoung easily accepting Jackson’s many affections without (much) hesitation. But unlike most days, Jinyoung already knew Mark was on edge, eyes flickering up to see Mark nearly hovering, mouth opening to speak before a staff member moved between them, Mark taking the hint to move to sit back down.

Mark didn’t wear jealousy well, holding back a pouty frown as he went back to business, careful to remain focused on the task at hand rather than dwelling on the platonic habits of two of his closest friends. It was almost as if Mark entered his own little world when he became unhappy about things out of his control, needing to block everything else out in order to return to a state of happiness, willing to fake a smile to get him through until a moment presented itself for him to take a breather. After all, he was still himself even when going through his duties as an idol, trying to get through his day without much internal conflict.

During the next opportunity to get up and move around, Mark was more than willing, finally snapped out of his odd mood to laugh and mess around with all the members, grinning as he watched Jackson sneak into the crowd to get a closer look. Turning around to see what was left on stage to play with, Mark grabbed a semi-empty water bottle, attempting a half-hearted flip onto the table, missing it by more than a little. Just as he started cracking up at his own terrible aim, he heard an unmistakable voice catch his attention.

 

“Mark hyung, say something, please!”

 

Looking up into the crowd, Mark had trouble spotting where the voice had originated from, finally spotting Jackson holding what seemed to be a _very_ expensive camera in his hands, one he undoubtedly had “borrowed” from one of the many fansites in attendance. At first a bit confused, Mark felt the smile creep onto his face as Jackson repeated himself.

 

“Say something, please!”

 

(Mark had a lot to say, but _someone_ never felt like replying to his text messages. _Someone_ was always busy, the same _someone_ Mark wanted to get alone.)

 

“Hi!” Mark smiled and waved, happy to have any attention at all from the man on the other end of the lens. “I’m in the camera!”

Laughing to himself, Mark wondered if anyone else had noticed how overeager he seemed for the fraction of a second of attention, watching as Jackson returned the camera before moving onto another fan. Clearing his throat before he went to retrieve the water bottle he had previously dropped, Mark glanced over his shoulder to the crowd before focusing back to the nearly-empty table in front of him, ready to make a second attempt.

 

 

Wrapping up their final goodbyes, the boys returned backstage to gather their belongings, the staff leading them back out to the cars to head home. Much to Mark’s surprise, Jackson opted to tag along, having no other business to attend to that day, quickly tugging on Mark’s jacket to join him in the same car as Jinyoung, sliding the door shut before Yugyeom could weasel his way inside. Mark headed for the back bench, snuggling up in the corner like he usually did, hood up in order to have a moment to himself. However, with Jackson in the same car, Mark found it difficult to keep his eyes closed, watching as he bickered with Jinyoung over absolutely nothing, the two breaking down into an assortment of stifled laughs and giggles.

“Mark hyung looked pretty ravishing with those flowers in his hair,” Jinyoung grinned, egging Jackson on for no reason but his own self-indulgence. “Don’t you think so, hyung?”

“Knock if off,” Mark grumbled, shaking his head with a small smile on his face. “People think I look cute that way.”

“Well, they’re not wrong,” Jackson offered, finally looking back directly at Mark with the same fond smile he wore before the event had started. “I think you always look pretty, hyung.”

 

(Pretty, handsome, stunning, sexy, perfect. Mark had heard it all before, but maybe it had been too long since the last time for him to believe it.)

 

“Thanks,” Mark mumbled, pressing his lips together in a tight grin that would appear fake to most, but only read as _shy_ on his own face.

Interrupted by the slowing pace of the van, the vehicle pulled up outside of Jackson’s place, Jinyoung and Mark both offering their quick goodbyes as he exited, Jinyoung finally lounging back in the additional space as he checked his phone. Once the driver assured that Jackson was on his way to his front door, the van was shut again, Mark sitting up a bit straighter. Looking out of the back window, Mark watched as Jackson paused and turned back towards the van on his way to his own door.

 

(No one needed to see Jackson’s small wave except Mark. No one had to know what was being spoken with only a look.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I....did not expect people to be loving this as much as you all do, but as always I appreciate all of the support! Thanks so much for enjoying this with me. Writing canon is so.........different than AUs and I am thankful you all think it's a little too real at times haha my job is done~~~
> 
> I /swear/ 
> 
> Thank you for all the comments, kudos, subscriptions, etc. Seriously it means the world.
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twt: jacksyien


	3. Chapter 3

Mark was having second thoughts for the first time in years.

He wasn’t sure when they started or how they had gotten as severe as they felt, but Mark knew something had to give. They popped up while he was in the studio or spending time with his bandmates; sometimes Mark questioned if he had lost the tiny spark that had kick-started the entire process of finding himself across an entire ocean. While he always second guessed coming to Korea to live out some dream he wasn’t even sure he personally possessed, the uneasiness eventually faded away as he became more confident, ready to admit to himself that _yes_ , this was a dream he was capable of achieving.

 

(Maybe having someone on your side always telling you that you were worth more than you seemed made you believe in yourself a little more over time.)

 

The uneasiness led to a shift in his mood, Mark becoming slightly more irritable than usual as he had to deal with living with three other boys in close capacity, the other three coming and going as they pleased. Youngjae hung around while he could and BamBam acted like he was only renting a room down the street to sleep in, still making their presence known and feeling like a constant part of their dorm. However, it was no surprise to Mark that the absence of the final member left a hole too obvious to ignore, yet the other members always danced around the subject, clearly attempting to make it seem like things would be okay in the end.

Being closest with Jackson early on led to a few disappointments over the years, times where Jackson had his own commitments, opportunities created by his own hard work and dedication to make a household name for himself in more countries than the one they had met in. Mark was always proud of the other, cheering him on whenever the opportunity allowed, letting himself open up and show his vulnerability in a group-made video directed towards Jackson himself when he was feeling down. But as the events attended increased and their similar schedules became anything but, Mark felt guilty for wishing that there could be a better way to make everything happen, to ensure everyone’s happiness and success without sacrificing their time.

On more than one occasion, Mark found himself locked away in his room, enjoying the quiet and controlled atmosphere as he debated logging on to join his friends in his favorite online game to distract himself from his true feelings. It was where he ended up on a Friday night, no obligations to be found the next day, able to be free of any restrictions a few hours with the group would hold. He had already eaten and was about to place his gaming headset on when a quick knock on the door caused him to look over, watching as Jaebum poked his head inside.

“We’re going out,” he grinned mischievously. “Youngjae, Yugyeom and Bam… c’mon and get your coat on.”

“Nah, I’ll pass,” Mark shrugged, spinning to face the doorway in his desk chair. “I promised a friend I’d be here to play.”

“You should come out,” Jaebum said a bit more firmly, acting as if Mark hadn’t been seen outside the dorm in days. “It’s not good to always hide away, hyung.”

“I’m not hiding,” Mark mumbled, annoyance slowly building at the thinly-veiled insinuation. “Everyone knows where I am. I already have plans.”

With a frustrated sigh, Jaebum tried to act like he wasn’t about to roll his eyes, continuing to shake his head.

“At least talk with Jinyoungie while we’re out,” Jaebum suggested. “He always seems to get you.”

“Yeah,” Mark offered a half-hearted shrug, facing to turn his computer on. “Have fun.”

Without another word, Jaebum exited the room, clicking the door shut. Once he knew he was once again completely alone, Mark shrank back against the chair, sighing deeply at the leader’s choice in words. Of _course_ he wasn’t hiding from anyone in specific, but sometimes it was easier for him to just fade away in the background, happiest when he felt like everything was alright and no longer pretending like he couldn’t have the one thing he needed most. It was still early on in the evening, yet the conversation almost made a compelling argument for Mark to climb into bed, letting him slip away from all of his internal struggles until they would ultimately manifest in his dreams.

“Hello?” A familiar soft voice called through the door, leading Mark to get up and answer it, already knowing who was checking in on him. As he opened the door, Mark was greeted by the only other member still left in the dorm who promptly took concern with Mark’s current expression. “Jaebum said-”

“Yeah,” Mark sighed, letting Jinyoung inside before shutting the door behind him, moving to lay back in bed as the other boy took the desk chair. “I’m moping.”

“His words, hyung, not mine,” Jinyoung chuckled lightly, arms resting on the edges of the chair. “Why didn’t you go out?”

“Didn’t feel like it,” Mark sighed, annoyance building a bit after being asked the same question a million times. “Just one of those days.”

“Have you been feeling this way a lot?” Jinyoung asked sincerely. “You don’t have to keep it in. You know I’m always here to talk to about anything, hyung. I mean it. _Anything_.”

Their eyes met, Mark knowing exactly what Jinyoung was insinuating, not wanting to get himself worked up over nothing, letting it slide for the thousandth time that week.

“I’m fine,” Mark faked a smile, lounging against his headboard. “You know better than anyone that you don’t always have to go out when it’s a Friday night. Sometimes it’s best to just…”

 

(Stay in with someone you love.)

 

“I know,” Jinyoung smiled a bit brighter. “How about this… we could walk to the store and grab some snacks. I know it’s a bit chilly, but I’m sure they’ll still have the ice cream you like.”

With no more energy to formulate a good excuse to not join the other boy on a snack run, Mark nodded and rolled off the bed, heading over to slide on his jacket.

 

(The ice cream would be exactly where it usually was stocked, but somehow, the batch wasn’t as sweet as he remembered.)

  
  


**Jackson**

_what are you doing tonight?_

 

**Mark**

_nothing... like always. why? u back?_

 

**Jackson**

_just got home an hour ago :)_

 

**Jackson**

_you should come over_

 

**Jackson**

_oh and um… i’m only inviting you, so don’t tell anyone else_  


 

With a hastily-packed backpack slung over one shoulder, Mark pulled on a beanie and tried his best to go down the hall to pull his shoes on unnoticed, failing as soon as he passed by the kitchen, catching the eyes of both Yugyeom and BamBam (who seemed to forget he didn’t live there anymore). Averting his gaze to attempt to relace his shoes, Mark tried to bite his tongue as he received 20 questions and comments from the two inquiring minds.

“Hyung, where are you going?”

“Are we invited? Please invite us!”

“I bet he’s just going to the café to game…”

“That’s so boring, I’m uninviting us. Sorry, hyung.”

“But what if he’s going somewhere with food?”

“Now, I’d be down for that. Mark hyung, will you buy us meat?”

“Yeah, we’re hungry and no one remembered to buy the food I like!”

With a heavy sigh, Mark closed his eyes and composed himself, standing up straight once his shoes were secured to his feet.

“I’m going out, no one else is invited, I don’t have to tell you where I’m going, but you can tell everyone I won’t be back for the night,” Mark rattled off the answers quickly, watching his friends’ faces fall. “Oh, and Bammie?”

“What?” BamBam’s eyes lit up, hoping for a positive response from Mark’s blanket of coldness.

“You don’t live here anymore,” Mark snickered, shaking his head as he opened the door to leave. “Buy your own food.”

Leaving behind a commotion of complaints from his two youngest bandmates, Mark left the house with a smile only he knew the source of, hopping into a taxi and letting them know the address of his destination. Not one to keep everyone out of the loop, Mark sent a quick message to let Jinyoung know where he was headed, knowing Jaebum would eventually ask where he ended up for the remainder of the day. Once the message was sent, Mark finally let out a sigh of happiness, excited to see the one person he had been wanting to spend some quality time with for weeks, ready to have Jackson’s undivided attention for more than a couple of minutes.

 

A short drive later, Mark arrived outside of Jackson’s building, paying the driver with a nice tip before heading out and walking up to the door. Easily remembering which number was designated to Jackson’s place, Mark pressed the buzzer button, hearing a _click_ shortly after to allow him inside, taking the steps two at a time before he reached Jackson’s door. Before he could even knock, the door swung open, Jackson’s bare face smiling wide to greet him.

“Finally,” he laughed, nearly pulling Mark in by the wrist. “No one followed you?”

“Believe me, they tried,” Mark smiled, toeing his shoes off before tossing his bag onto the floor next to the couch like he usually did. “I had to tell Jinyoung where I was going just so Jaebum didn’t try and hunt me down at two in the morning.”

“Smart,” Jackson smiled, opening a drawer in the kitchen and pulling out various takeout menus. “Now, I know what I like, but you’re my guest so why don’t you pick where we order dinner from.”

“You’re acting as if I’d pick something different than my usual choice,” Mark laughed, shaking his head as he sat down on one of the barstools on the other side of the kitchen island in the middle of Jackson’s kitchen. “Just order the same thing we had last time.”

“You’re so consistent, Mark,” Jackson giggled, pulling his phone from his pocket as he dialed the restaurant. “Never change, okay?”

With another laugh, Jackson dodged Mark’s playful punches as he rattled off a list of random foods to the restaurant on the other end of the call, trying his hardest not to laugh as Mark nearly fell out of his stool to reach him.

 

 

Hanging out with Jackson at his apartment was familiar yet completely strange at the same time. Mark knew that Jackson wanted his own space, not only to be able to live as a regular adult man, but also to build his very first personal studio, having everything he would ever need to do some small projects or demos in the comfort of his own home. Every tiny personal touch felt like Jackson; Mark could tell by each frame on the walls or even the decor in the bathrooms that Jackson made sure to put his stamp on everything. Even with the bonus that Mark had another space he could hang out at without much hesitation, it still felt unfamiliar in the sense that it wasn’t something he’d ever have for himself - at least not with another band member. While they were trainees and even into the early months of the group, Mark recalled Jackson asking him if they could be roommates someday, even after the group had become more established. Mark simply shrugged and replied that ‘ _who else could ever handle you as a roommate?’_ which then was often followed by a _‘don’t make me live alone, Mark… you know I’d get far too lonely to handle that.’_

 

(Watching Jackson up close and also from afar over the years made Mark wonder how Jackson could ever feel lonely always surrounded by people who loved him, no matter where he traveled. Eventually, Mark realized there was a difference between _being alone_ and _being lonely._ He knew the difference all too well.)

 

With the lights mostly out so they could better focus on whatever movie Jackson had let Netflix recommend to them, Mark pushed aside the empty containers from their takeout feast, clearing room for his second empty beer can, full up to his heart’s content. Without the other members around, Mark could talk as much or as little as he wanted, letting Jackson carry the conversation when he went on a tangent while also wrangling some time to let his own thoughts out. There were breaks of silence where they both knew nothing needed to be said, both comfortable in each other’s presence more and more as the night wore on.

It was only during the end credits of the movie that Mark noticed that Jackson had gone unusually quiet, fidgeting slightly in his seat as their knees nearly touched. Mark didn’t mind having Jackson in his personal space; it served as a reminder that maybe not much had changed since they first became friends, always willing to push their boundaries to create their own level of comfort. But as the other boy purposefully avoided his gaze, Mark couldn’t help but reach over, gently placing his hand on Jackson’s thigh and squeezing it gently.

“Hey,” Mark said softly, watching as Jackson hesitated to turn back his way. “What’s up?”

“I-It’s nothing,” Jackson attempted a small smile, lips curving into something a bit more obscure. “Let’s just pick another movie.”

“Gaga,” Mark let the nickname slip, biting his lip as if he didn’t mean for it to come so easily. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was wondering…” Jackson trailed off, licking his lips nervously before he adjusted his sitting position, facing Mark a little bit better. “Do you ever wish you could be in two places at once?”

Mark looked at Jackson’s soft expression, a tiny smile slowly appearing on his face as Mark nodded ever-so-slightly.

“You ask me this all the time,” Mark stated as he always did, going through their usual routine. “The answer is always yes.”

“Why can’t I be?” Jackson asked rhetorically, knowing full well that it was an impossibility beyond their control. “Why can’t things… why can’t I do everything at once?”

“Because you’re human,” Mark explained, the reasoning coming easily as it always had. “You have to pick what was best for you. We agreed this was okay.”

“I’m sorry,” Jackson admitted, hanging his head a bit, sighing as he looked back up in remorse. “Yien, I’m really sorry.”

If anyone else was with them in the room, Mark would know the apology was for so much more than any one single act, knowing that Jackson’s guilt for feeling like a burden to the remainder of the group was something he didn’t take lightly. He had tried his best to keep up and didn’t give up until the company had to step in to help delegate his priorities to ease the stress that would impact his health, success and general well-being. Many apologies had already been spoken to the other six, and Mark knew Jackson’s usual routine.

 

However, Jackson wasn’t with the entire group.

Jackson was with Mark.

Only Mark.

 

“Jackson,” Mark moved a bit closer, reaching over and tilting Jackson’s chin up with his fingers delicately, placing a chaste kiss upon the other’s lips. “It’s okay.”

“I’m never around,” Jackson continued, despite Mark’s clear signs of affection. “When I am with you, we can’t… I have to hold myself back. It’s so hard not being there for you.”

 

(Jackson could always read him best. At first by sight, then with words, eventually by touch.)

 

“I said it’s okay,” Mark fibbed, trying to get Jackson to lighten up. “Please don’t make me say it again.”

“I won’t,” Jackson conceded, sighing as he finally allowed himself to wrap his body around Mark’s, the two figuring out a more comfortable way to cuddle on the loveseat in the living room. “I just don’t want you to think it’s easy.”

“What?” Mark asked, distracting himself from everything he should say by weaving his fingers through Jackson’s dark locks. “Being away all the time?”

“Yeah,” Jackson nodded, big eyes looking up at Mark to elaborate, “and also acting like we aren’t-”

“We are,” Mark offered a quick smile of reassurance. “You know we are.”

“I do,” Jackson reached up, intertwining his fingers with Mark’s without resistance. “Absolutely, I do.”

With another kiss a bit deeper in nature, Mark celebrated feeling a little less lonely by giving into what he knew they both desired, eventually making it back to the bedroom Jackson only ever shared with him. Once blissfully exhausted, he couldn’t help but admire the peaceful expression the other boy wore as he drifted to sleep next to Mark, moonlight highlighting the soft features of Jackson’s face with every calming breath.

 

(It wasn’t okay. It wasn’t easy.)

 

(They were okay. Loving Jackson was easy.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear....I did not mean..........for this............to be this way. But alas. It happens.
> 
> I hope you've all connected the dots - if not, fear not! Next chapter we will get to go back in time for a minute and see what got us all to this point. Totally thrilling, I know.
> 
> Hope you're enjoying it all so far! Thank you so much for your kudos, comments, subscriptions and overall lovely things you all have to say. I can't wait to keep writing this and hopefully wrap it up soon :~)
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twt: jacksyien (currently deactivated, but for future reference lol)


	4. Chapter 4

“I like you.”

 

Sitting on a hotel bed as he watched Jackson look out onto the brightly lit cityscape surrounding them, Mark bit his lip, letting the confession he spoke so clearly settle in. Barely a few months into their debut year, the group found itself in Japan for its first showcase in the country, adrenaline pumping through each members’ veins even hours after the show had wrapped. Once back in the room he had chosen to share with his best friend, Mark couldn’t stop fidgeting, realizing that he was finally a part of something bigger than he realized, a group that could truly be an international success. It was what pushed Mark into finally saying what had been on his mind for so long, a deeply confusing thought that had kept him up for countless nights.

“ _What?_ ”

Whipping his head around, Jackson looked bewildered as his eyes searched for some sort of playful expression on Mark’s face, clearly looking for the other boy to admit he was simply joking or only meant it in the most platonic of ways. However, instead of appearing as a smirking brat, Mark sat frozen in place, wide-eyed and surprised at his own boldness in the moment.

 

(Maybe Jackson had more of an impact on him than he’d like to admit.)

 

“I said I like… you,” Mark repeated, hesitating before finishing the statement as his nerves got the better of him. “I like you, Jackson.”

“Like me how?” Jackson had to ask, stepping away from the window and towards Mark. “As a friend? As… more? More than a friend?”

“Well, I guess,” Mark looked down, suddenly very interested in the drawstring of his own shorts, “both?”

“ _Both?_ ” Jackson asked, confusion setting in even more than before. “That’s impossible.”

“It’s not,” Mark explained calmly, looking down at the floor before back in Jackson’s  direction. “You’re my best friend, but I like you _more_ than that.”

Mark had seen many sides to Jackson, confusion included, but the sight of the boy nearly speechless as he failed to move from his standing position halfway between the window and Mark’s bed was nearly comical, Mark failing to hold back a bubble of his signature laughter that always seemed to sneak out around Jackson.

“Are you okay?”

Finally free of his own self-imposed paralysis, Jackson moved to sit down next to Mark, eyes still wide at the other’s words. It was if a switch had been flipped, Jackson no longer immediately cozying up to Mark’s side, hands firmly planted on his own knees as he kept a sizeable distance between them on the edge of the bed.

“Why?” Jackson asked softly, their eyes meeting once again as his expression softened. “What did I do?”

“You didn’t _do_ anything,” Mark began to explain, smiling a bit at how flustered Jackson continued to react. “You’re just… _you_.”

“But…” Jackson trailed off, confusion replaced with pure disbelief as if he couldn’t imagine Mark, his best friend of nearly three years, falling for him and admitting it in a foreign place the night after a stressful concert. Suddenly, Mark’s self-consciousness that seemed ever-present started creeping back in, forcing him to stand up abruptly and move across the room.

“S’fine,” he laughed nervously, shaking his head as he pretended to fetch something from his suitcase, grabbing his phone instead. “Gonna go call my dad, don’t wait up.”

“Mark,” Jackson stated softly, moving closer to him and placing his hand on Mark’s shoulder. “Please don’t go…”

Turning around to face the other, Mark took a deep breath with his eyes closed, slowly opening them to reveal a bare-faced Jackson who looked as worried as Mark felt deep down in his stomach. It was only his best friend, why was he so afraid? The confession had been brewing for months, a feeling that had started years ago, and he finally reached the point of no return. From strangers to friends to bandmates, Mark had trusted Jackson more than any other person he had met in his time in Korea, yet he felt utterly selfish to say the three words that felt so heavy on his tongue, wondering if the other could ever feel the same.

“I’m sorry,” Mark replied, body visibly slumping as he sighed. “I put you in a really shitty position.”

“How?” Jackson asked, hand still planted between Mark’s neck and shoulder, fingers beginning to gently caress the back of his neck. “I mean… I don’t care.”

“You… don’t?” Mark’s voice began to crack, unpleasant emotions slowly building in the back of his head until Jackson abruptly cut him off with a shout.

“No!” Jackson exclaimed, shaking his head. “I mean, yes, I care… but I don’t care that you told me. Like, it’s no big deal? I’m happy you told me.”

“Oh,” Mark nodded, glancing to the side as Jackson’s hand burned hot on his slim shoulder. “Good.”

 

“You wanna know why?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Because I like you, too.”

 

 

(Mark had kissed many people before, but none were quite like Jackson.)

 

***

 

“I’m not going.”

Mark found himself lounging back in bed, scrolling through his phone when Jackson made his own confession, the older boy nearly laughing in disbelief as he sat up and moved his device to the bedside table.

“What do you mean?” Mark gave him an odd look, eyebrows raised in concern. “I thought they weren’t…”

“Actually,” Jackson cleared his throat, sitting up from his own space on the bed where he had been laying, “They did. Approved my request this morning.”

Jackson was never short on words unless he was upset about something, Mark understanding how long the process had taken for Jackson to gain some personal ground with the company. For what seemed like nearly a year, Jackson had been forced to turn down offers of all kinds as his popularity in China increased, management becoming more strict as they tried to control what was available to him at any given moment. However, Mark was the one to hear how Jackson truly felt, how he wanted to capitalize on some, not all, of the options, knowing he needed to take advantage of every moment of spare time to make a name for himself outside of the group.

Confused by the somewhat hostile ambition the other displayed, Mark had attempted to argue that it wasn’t a smart choice for Jackson to run himself ragged, to take every offer that came across his plate that somehow fit his schedule. Unlike himself, Mark knew that Jackson didn’t have any self-control when it came to knowing his limits, ready to do whatever it took to prove that he had made the right choice in giving up a lifelong dream of becoming a world-renowned athlete in favor of following his newer dream. If he wasn’t careful, Jackson would burn out before he reached his peak, leaving Mark to pick up the pieces of what was once his best friend turned boyfriend.

 

(Mark would be there to pick up Jackson, no matter his condition, even if it meant sacrificing his own hopes and dreams.)

 

After falling ill too frequently to be anything but something chronic, Jackson had to sit out the first portion of promotions for their comeback in the spring, leaving his future schedules up in the air on all fronts. Selfishly speaking, Mark secretly hoped it would show Jackson that he wasn’t indestructible, that he needed to be careful and realistic about his projects and choices, hoping that he would finally see where Mark was coming from in all of the advice given. Unfortunately, Jackson never wavered in his ideal image for himself, still striving to hit the goal of becoming the best _Wang Jia-Er_ he could be, somehow seeming to miss the hints that Mark continued to drop about their future together as well.

With a multi-month long break to commence as soon as the promotional period ended, Jackson was jetting off back and forth between countries, meeting up with the group when it was scheduled. Mark suddenly wished he had constructed his own plan of sorts to keep his name growing, wondering how many different ways he could keep himself busy in the process. The change in living arrangements was unavoidable; Jackson clearly wanted more room to have his own creative space to grow as an artist. It would have been too difficult to explain to anyone outside of the group why Mark would be moving along with Jackson, so the older boy didn’t even ask to see if Jackson would consider the possibility, assuming that the other knew all too well what kinds of situations their relationship continued to put them in.

Mark reminded himself constantly that if things were up to him and Jackson, they could have had the ideal situation of living together, working on projects for random projects, spending as much time as possible in the same space for more than a day at a time. Even as their communication faded in and out of what could be considered a healthy level, Mark still held onto his faith that there wasn’t a better person for him in this crazy world, no one to better understand him and make him feel the way Jackson could. Life and love were more difficult to navigate than he had anticipated, leaving Mark to wonder to himself (and later to Jinyoung) if what he and Jackson had was even worth keeping, feeling like the worst was yet to come.

When the opportunity for Jackson to take advantage of more opportunities back in China became available, Mark felt excited for his other half, understanding how big of an internal struggle it had become for Jackson to manage. However, once he learned that Jackson would have to sacrifice an entire facet of being a member of the group by eliminating his participation in Japanese activities, Mark felt his heart drop, head swimming in memories of a place that was most certainly _theirs_.

Mark remembered confessing to Jackson after their first showcase in their hotel room, falling asleep in the same bed with their lips swollen red. After a concert the year after, the entire group went out to grab a drink, Mark and Jackson having one too many before snacking on some food from a street vendor, leaning against each other for support. On another trip, they snuck away during a free afternoon to view the cherry blossoms blooming near their hotel, Mark watching as Jackson closed his eyes and smiled towards the sky, petals falling all around him. During the most recent visit, Mark tried to forget how emotional Jackson became on stage as he gave his final words, almost as if he knew it would be his last time with the group in the country for the foreseeable future.

 

(Japan was the place where they began. Japan was their escape.)

 

“So,” Mark looked in Jackson’s direction, face completely blank. “No more Japan?”

“No,” Jackson replied softly, eyes shifting away in guilt as he confirmed his final choice. “No more Japan.”

 

***

 

Back in Japan for another round of shows, Mark couldn’t help but feel the loneliness creeping back into his life with each passing moment. The group had finished performing to a stadium full of fans, the energy bringing him back to his lonely hotel room with enough time to shower and prepare for bed before he would expect a call from Jackson. Funny enough, the other boy was back in Mark’s hometown, working on some content based on his recent contract with a company in China, leaving Mark twice as envious as he usually was. When checking his phone a couple nights prior, Mark couldn’t help but smile at the low quality snapshot of the french fries he so lovingly introduced Jackson to on their first trip to LA, remembering how he had laughed as the other boy scarfed down the entire plate of burgers and fries after complaining about how Mark had the _audacity_ to be able to eat the least healthy food and still be skinny as a stick.

While waiting in the dark, quiet hotel room for a call or message, Mark couldn’t help but remember how hard it was to conceal their relationship at first, only attempting any sort of non-fanservice contact once they were behind a locked door with no chance of being exposed to the other members. Eventually, they let their guard down, touches and comments becoming too noticeable for the others to avoid, having to come clean in order to clear their conscious of any wrongdoing. Toning down their behavior was always a challenge, leaving both sometimes confused at the other’s intentions, leading to petty arguments where insecurities were no longer off limits. Mark knew where to poke Jackson to push the verbal fights to their limits and Jackson figured out immediately how to get under Mark’s skin and stay there; both would eventually realize their stupidity and apologize, but not without hearing some gloating from the other.

In recent months, Mark knew the attempts to remain low-key even to their fellow members were mostly unintentional, the older boy even having to ensure Jinyoung that things were as “okay” as ever in their world. While Mark knew he was stretching the truth thinner every day, no one else had to know how he was actually feeling, silently wondering to himself daily if he would ever get his own say in how things were unfolding for the once-inseparable pair.

 

(Maybe he should have said something. Maybe he could have changed his mind. Maybe he could have made him stay.)

 

Nearly dozing off as he continued to wait, Mark’s slumber was interrupted by the faint buzzing of his phone on the pillow next to him, his phone screen illuminating with the face that would usually be smiling next to him in bed. Moving slowly to answer it, Mark grabbed the device, sliding his finger along the screen to answer.

“Hey,” he said softly, eyes staring at the ceiling.

“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” Jackson began, a spurt of laughter following. “They’re dragging us all over and I lost track of time.”

“It’s fine,” Mark replied, counting the number of lines the plaster of the ceiling created. “Where are you?”

“No idea,” Jackson laughed again, traffic faintly echoing in the background. “I don’t think you ever took me here. How was the show?”

“Good,” Mark shrugged as if Jackson could see him. “The album’s doing well.”

“That’s great! I knew you guys would kill it,” Jackson spoke in English, switching into Mandarin to reply to a question someone had asked in the background before switching back. “How are you?”

“Oh, you know,” Mark hesitated as he decided how honest he felt like being in the moment, thinking about how much impact his words used to have on Jackson’s mood when they were constantly together. “I’m okay.”

“Just okay?”

Mark felt the guilt bubble in his stomach, knowing that Jackson could see through him (and his words) in most circumstances. They understood each other too well for Mark’s true feelings to go unnoticed by Jackson for long, even if the other could be dense and clueless as to what Mark consistently hinted towards. Mark wasn’t okay and wasn’t ready to admit that to himself or anyone else including Jackson, so until they would be face to face, the charade would continue.

“Yeah,” Mark sighed, forcing a yawn. “Okay and tired.”

“I’m sorry,” Jackson replied sincerely, Mark picking up on the concerned tone of his voice even thousands of miles away. “I wish I could be there so you didn’t have to _only_ feel okay.”

“Don’t apologize,” Mark reminded the other. “This is what you wanted.”

“Not my first choice,” Jackson’s sly smile could be heard without a visual attached. “Being in two places at once would be much better.”

“But what about being in only one place... next to me?”

Mark bit his tongue as soon as the words came out, the new confession something he had repeated to himself constantly under his breath in conversations with Jackson, but never actually found the confidence to speak. Somehow, it felt like fate had twisted its way inside of Mark’s head, leading him to feel the same sense of boldness in that moment that he had felt over three years ago when confessing that his feelings for Jackson were definitely more than _just friends_.

“Mark…” Jackson sighed, pausing for an uncomfortable period of time before finishing his thought. “I wish it was that easy.”

 

( _It could be_ , Mark thought to himself.)

 

“Yeah,” Mark sighed, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath to calm himself down, the urge to scream into his pillow more tempting than ever. “I should sleep.”

“Alright, sweet dreams,” Jackson spoke in a sing-songy voice, completely glossing over Mark’s heartbreaking confession. “I love you!”

“I love you, too,” Mark replied, holding his voice back from breaking, ending the call before Jackson could say anything else to darken the mood he inevitably had caused Mark to fall into.

 

(Mark wouldn’t let the bad thoughts ruin their place. It was the least he could do to keep himself afloat.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyy hope you enjoyed this update!~ trying to keep things canon is... an experience. i'm having fun. hope you're having fun reading it!
> 
> to be honest. this may be more than just one more chapter. we will see. tbd. so much to cover.
> 
> thank you for everything! kudos, comments, bookmarks, views, etc! it all means the world to me :')
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twt: jacksyien


	5. Chapter 5

To say that Mark was _surprised_ to get an invite from Jackson to join him in the studio upon both their returns to Seoul would have been an understatement, the older boy prepared to go a few more days communicating only through text messages until the younger had finished his own personal schedules in China. However, a gap in his schedule led Jackson back earlier than expected, leaving Mark to deliberate whether or not to get excited about the potential time they could spend together.

Japan was lonely and uneventful, the group busy with preparations for each show before jetting back to the company for additional work for other activities outside of the concerts. While thankful that the year was drawing to a close, Mark still felt like so much was hanging in the air, decisions and questions left unmade and unanswered. After the conversation over a week ago on the phone with Jackson, Mark had made the dangerous mistake of dwelling on the words he accidentally let slip, wondering if Jackson was still thinking about them too. Did he take Mark’s words to heart, understanding that being in one place would mean more than splitting his time more evenly? Or, did he conveniently shove it away like Mark usually did, preferring to dwell on the good times to get through an unreasonably emotional slump?

Picking the studio to hang out in was a unique choice, but Mark was happy to agree to the outing, knowing how the setting could ease the awkwardness of the time spent apart by filling the gaps in conversation with recording, editing and mixing. Besides being a couple, they were best friends at heart, a pair that knew each other better than the rest. Mark would have no issue with watching Jackson create and he knew the other loved to write ridiculous verses in various languages and force Mark to record them all in a single take, cackling behind the silent glass. It would feel like work but in the most casual sense, both able to get back to one of the core reasons they even ended up in the same city with the same goal in mind: to create and perform music they loved and could be proud of.

Upon arrival to the studio, Mark found Jackson sitting near the mixing board, scribbling down what he assumed were lyrics into a notepad, tongue sticking out of his mouth in concentration. Giggling softly to himself, Mark welcomed himself inside, offering a quiet greeting as he tossed his coat and belongings on the couch at the back of the studio space, pulling up a chair to sit down next to Jackson. Being his charming self, Jackson hooked his foot around the base of the chair to draw Mark in closer, smirking before he pressed a soft kiss to the other’s lips, letting them part quickly before anyone else passing by could catch a sight.

“Feels like old times,” Jackson giggled. “All alone in the studio…”

“Yes,” Mark knew he was blushing, but didn’t seem to care around his boyfriend. “Don’t even think about doing anything we used to.”

“Late night trips to the studio were _your_ idea,” Jackson reminded him, playful grin on his face. “Something about it being the only place where we could make as much noise as we-”

“Aware,” Mark giggled, attempting to cover Jackson’s mouth with his hand, both of them laughing at the memory they shared. “Things are _different_ now, though.”

 

(For better or for worse, things had changed. For better or for worse, they couldn’t go back.)

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Jackson smiled, flipping a few pages back in his notebook. “Lucky for you, I’ve come here on official business and won’t need to linger on tempting you into the booth with me.”

“Official business?” Mark replied cautiously, wondering if he was duped into thinking the day would be spent with only them together, suddenly wishing that Jackson wasn’t joking about seducing him behind the glass.

“I need your help,” Jackson began, showing him the first line of lyrics written on the paper. “I have another sponsorship deal and we’re recording the jingle today. I figured you could tell me how it all sounded before everyone from my team showed up…”

The energy had shifted instantaneously, Mark sitting back in his chair and licking his lips nervously as he listened to Jackson begin to ramble on about his new deal and all the requirements the company had given him. With Jackson’s massive popularity outside of Korea, opportunities followed him everywhere he went, opening countless doors for him to step through. These opportunities were always readily available for Jackson prior to the group diversifying their projects, but they increased tenfold as the younger boy focused his energy outside of the country, building on his own name instead of relying on his group’s for clout.

Mark remembered how excited he used to get when Jackson would sign a new deal, how emotional Jackson would appear as he’d read over the details of his contract, how lovingly Mark would support his activities every single day, even if he wasn’t included. But in the recording studio, Mark felt the disconnect grow, wondering why Jackson hadn’t mentioned anything about the deal until that moment, thoughts lingering on the idea that time wouldn’t ever grant him a pause to understand where their relationship was actually heading.

Sometime after explaining his responsibilities to the client and asking Mark if he’d track a new recording for him to practice, Jackson stepped into the booth, leaving Mark to stare at the row of computer monitors in front of him. As Jackson began to practice his verses, Mark shifted his gaze from the board to the screen, back to Jackson in the booth. While the contents were just as the client had explained, Mark focused more on watching the person behind the microphone rather than listening to the lyrics. If it weren’t for the obvious signs that years had passed, Mark felt as if it could have been three years ago, the pair spending a rare free day together messing around with lyrics that no one should ever hear, laughing at their amateur style before walking to pick up take-out at their favorite restaurant, sharing all their dishes in their dorm living room before enjoying the privacy of their bedroom together.

Mark’s daydream was quickly pushed aside as a group of individuals he could only assume were part of Jackson’s independent team arrived, Jackson leaving the booth and greeting them with enthusiasm before introducing Mark as well. One representative from the brand was also present, making Mark wish he had known he would have been meeting a person with such a title so he wouldn’t be caught in the baggiest of street clothes in an impromptu introduction. As soon as everyone was well acquainted, Mark excused himself to sit back on the couch away from the group to give Jackson space to speak with everyone, watching as he replayed some of the clips Mark had recorded before stepping into the booth to begin tracking the final version.

In a span of less than thirty minutes, Mark had gone from teasing Jackson about the location he had chosen to hang out in for the day, to a forgotten afterthought lounging next to his coat as he watched the producer from Jackson’s team run through the jingle again. While he liked what Jackson was doing, Mark felt useless just sitting back and watching the process, not able to contribute in any meaningful way. Perhaps if Jackson had mentioned his intentions before extending the invitation, Mark would feel a lot less slighted in their relationship, wondering if he was overreacting by feeling as selfish as he did. The times they had alone were few in number and Mark was no longer able to keep the fact that he was dissatisfied a secret for much longer.

As Jackson stumbled over another line from the script the brand had inserted into his verse, the producer stepped into the booth to assist Jackson in a more hands-on approach, giving Mark the perfect opportunity to slip away and use this time for anything except feeling sorry for himself. Coat on and fastened, Mark passed by the booth and headed straight for the door, figuring that Jackson was too engrossed in his work to make time for a proper goodbye. Taking a few steps out into the chilly air, Mark ducked his head down low as he began to take the short walk back to the dorms, hoping the cold would clear his head and give him time to sort his own thoughts before he would say or do something to worsen his own mood.

 

(Putting your own happiness in someone else’s hands was never a good idea. After so many years had passed, Mark wasn’t sure how to get it back.)

  
  


Once back at the dorm, Mark had no problem turning down invitations to hang out or grab something to eat, lost in his own world of thought as he prepared some instant noodles before returning to his own dim bedroom. With only the light glowing from outside his window, he sat at his desk, eating his dinner as he loaded up his favorite game to play on his laptop. Truthfully, all Mark wanted to do was sleep, but the emotions building deep down needed some sort of outlet and the game provided the perfect distraction to funnel his frustrations into. None of his friends were online leading to Mark roaming freely to do as he pleased, exhausting himself out over missions he’d usually ignore in favor of following whatever his friends wanted to do for the session.

Even the video game couldn’t keep Mark’s emotions in check as boredom crept in, worries rising to the surface easily in the emptiness of his bedroom. Mark and Jackson were adults, two twenty-something year old men who had been friends for over six years and together in some capacity for around half the time. They had argued before and been put in tough spots because of the nature of their business, but the pair had made it through because they trusted each other. Doubting himself, Mark wasn’t sure about how to even bring up the subject to discuss with Jackson, upset that he was put in such awkward positions like he had been that afternoon at the studio. Jackson had his own schedules, his own responsibilities and Mark assumed he didn’t know half of what he had planned for his future. In a rare moment of truth, Mark finally admitted to himself that he didn’t know what Jackson wanted, his stomach dropping at the idea that Jackson was blind to his concerns and more.

Turning off his game, Mark changed into his favorite worn-in flannel pajama pants and an old loose t-shirt he had “borrowed” from Jackson’s closet, wrapping himself tightly in his blankets before checking the time on his phone. Only a few hours had passed since he exited the studio, but there was no apology, no word from Jackson excusing his behavior from that afternoon. Previously, if Jackson had made Mark visibly uncomfortable or hurt his feelings accidentally, his usual bombardment of apologies began almost immediately, never one to dwell on if he actually _needed_ to say it unless he felt it was Mark’s fault. However, no word from the other boy confirmed to Mark that the day had gone exactly as Jackson had planned, no intentions for actual alone time plotted, Mark becoming just a disposable friendly face for a brief moment that day.

Just as he pressed the power button to put his phone to sleep, a slight knock sounded from the door before a sliver of light signalled that a body had slipped through before the knob clicked back shut. Mark knew who it was but didn’t move an inch, preferring to pretend he was in a deep sleep over jumping at the chance to confront his visitor.

“Mark,” Jackson’s voice was soft, footsteps slowly approaching the bed. “Are you really asleep?”

“Yes,” Mark replied with a sigh, knowing there was no use in pretending as long as his mind was still working overtime.

“Oh,” Jackson sighed, the desk chair squeaking as Jackson took a seat. “I see.”

“Go home, Jackson,” Mark stated, remaining still under his blankets. “I’m not in the mood.”

“But I came to apologize…” Jackson began, voice rising before he quieted himself. “Today wasn’t what I wanted.”

“Yeah, well,” Mark rolled on his side to face his desk, eyes peering up at the somewhat somber Jackson, “welcome to the club.”

“I didn’t know it’d be a whole… thing,” Jackson began, already defensive in his actions from the day. “I thought it’d just be a few people from my team to help me make the song and you could help too and instead, the company sent someone to tag along. I had no idea it would happen.”

“When did you even know you would be doing this?” Mark asked, more interested in his own questions rather than the explanations Jackson seemed to have practiced on the way over. “You hadn’t mentioned this at all…”

“I… don’t know?” Jackson sounded baffled at the way Mark was speaking, scratching his head. “A few weeks, a month at most. Why?”

“Nothing,” Mark laughed quietly to himself, wrapping the covers back around his shoulders before turning the other way.

“Do you really not want me here?” Jackson asked, sincerity waning as his patience seemed to run thin. “You know, we don’t really get this much time to see each other and relax, so I figured-”

“Figured what?” Mark snapped, sitting back up, through with hearing out Jackson’s excuses for the night. “Figured that I would be okay with the little time we had together today better spent working on your projects? Figured that I’d just nod and go along with you coming here afterwards when your apologies don’t even begin to cover how hurt I’ve felt recently?”

“Mark, I had no idea about today, I just told you!” Jackson argued back. “Why are you so upset? You know I don’t have control over things like that, I _have_ to listen to them or I’ll lose those opportunities! Don’t you get it?”

Mark had two options: get mad or go along with it. Ever since he met Jackson, he usually settled on the latter.

 

(Mark was tired of settling.)

 

“Sometimes…” Mark began, hands a bit shaky as he stood up next to the bed, built-up frustrations coming to a head in the darkness of his room, “sometimes I think you’re afraid of losing those… those _opportunities_ more than you’re afraid of losing… _me_.”

A thick pause filled the room, the weight of Mark’s words settling in as the pair stared each other down. Mark’s hands were curled into fists at his sides as his lips formed a firm straight line across his face. Jackson’s eyes were wide and his mouth hung open, stuck mid-response as if he couldn’t figure out a reply to fix the situation. Without knowing, Jackson had pushed Mark to the figurative edge, the line that was drawn in the sand to demonstrate his limit to how far he could bend with Jackson’s requests. With another blow, Mark would be broken, knocked away from any chance of peaceful reconciliation, ready to begin the grieving process of _what could have been_.

“I can’t lose you,” Jackson whispered, shaking his head slightly. “I’m not going to lose you…”

“Then why do I feel like I’m your backup plan?” Mark spat, wiping his eyes to hide any tears that had started to form. “If it all goes to hell, at least I’m here to put you back together, right? Is that what you’re counting on?”

“You’ve got it completely wrong,” Jackson stood up, hands moving to hold Mark’s face only to be swatted away by the older man. “Come on, we can talk about this. Why haven’t you mentioned any of this before?”

“I fucking have!” Mark nearly shouted, trying to not laugh at how obvious he thought he had been with Jackson. “It doesn’t matter, I guess. I’ll always be here, waiting. You’ll always have something to do. Something that can’t wait like I will.”

“If this is about Japan…” Jackson began, his own voice beginning to match the strain of Mark’s before the older man shoved him away.

“Don’t you dare,” Mark mumbled, pushing him towards the door. “Just go. Leave me alone.”

Being close to Jackson meant that Mark knew the other’s temper quite well. If Jackson wanted to fight for his opinion, he would be relentless in his argument until the other person conceded, proving his point that he was right. Even if he was wrong, Jackson still managed to get the last word, scoffing at the idea that he could lose an argument.

For once, Jackson listened and left in complete silence with his head hanging low, nearly dragging his feet as he opened the door and slipped out, not another word spoken.

 

(Mark didn’t want to be right. Perhaps, Mark only wanted to be heard.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay on this update! life happens. this week has been productive so maybe... i'll finish this sooner than you'd expect.
> 
> one more chapter to go :) hope you enjoyed the angst
> 
> thanks as always for the comments, kudos, bookmarks, subs, etc :) you guys are the best ever.
> 
> xoxo
> 
> twt: amerituandream  
> tumblr: kingjacskon


	6. Chapter 6

Without hearing from Jackson the next day, Mark knew he was in trouble. For once, he hadn’t held back his true feelings in fear of making the other run away and in return, Jackson chose not to respond. If their argument was any indication of how healthy their relationship was, Mark worried that they had gone too far past the point of return, wondering when would have been the appropriate time to sit down and work things out. The fight seemed quick and small, too sudden to feel impactful, but Mark understood that the roots of the problem went deeper than one day of frustration, keeping a heavy weight on his mind.

In the days that followed, Mark kept himself occupied and away from the rest of his band members, attempting to find his new level of normal once again without Jackson by his side. With a special end of year performance coming up, Mark wanted to look adjusted and ready for whatever would come with speaking with Jackson again, hoping they’d be able to address things and move on, but also preparing himself for an even lengthier bout of separation - even if it was of the mental kind. After all, they were coworkers, two members of a group larger than their relationship and they couldn’t let everyone else around them down just because they took a chance on mutual feelings years ago.

While he would usually find himself in an internet cafe or in his room doing a similar activity, Mark focused on himself and his own opportunities, creating a list of personal goals and habits he wanted to create with more time all alone. There were short term items like forcing himself to get out of the house once a day or making sure he was eating well, but he felt strongly about the bigger picture items at the end of his list: writing and composing songs (even if he didn’t know where they would be used) or working on his endurance when it came to dancing and performing. Choosing to become a performer when he didn’t even know where his life was headed back home, Mark yearned to reclaim that energy and desire to learn more than what he was comfortable with, wanting to prove to himself that his heart was still in it for more than someone else.

 

(Mark didn’t want to admit that Jackson made it easier to care. Mark finally wanted something for himself.)

 

After the first few days of extra after hours practice in the company’s dance studio, Mark was slightly irritated when Yugyeom decided to join him as the house didn’t seem as fun without his own best friend constantly by his side. Without acknowledging the real reason why Mark had thrown himself into his work so deeply, the younger boy led them both through the choreography a few times, helping Mark fully grasp every move. It was easy to ignore the world outside the studio when work handed him opportunities to easily distract him from anything else. Unfortunately, it seemed as if Yugyeom had his own motives, sitting down near him on the floor as they took a break for some water.

“What are you doing, hyung?” Yugyeom asked, sincerity clear in his words. “You look burnt out.”

“I’m fine,” Mark stared into the mirror opposite the wall they leaned against. “Just figured I’d put a little extra time into this, end of the year and all that.”

“I guess,” Yugyeom sighed. “It seems like you’re… avoiding something.”

“I’m not,” Mark scoffed, fiddling with the string on his left shoe. “This is for me. All for me.”

“But why?” Yugyeom pressed, tilting his head and attempting to understand the vague reasoning Mark had offered. “You’ve proven yourself to be talented, you’re better than a few of the others…”

“Because I _have_ to,” Mark emphasized, sighing to himself. “Everyone else has something for themselves and I want that, too. I want to be better than what people expect of me. I want this for me.”

With a soft nod, Yugyeom relaxed back against the wall, drinking more of his water. Mark leaned forward, placing his head in his hands as he sighed deeply, feeling more words bubble up than he expected.

“I want so much more for myself,” Mark confessed, still blankly staring at the floor to keep himself focused on his message. “I came here without a plan and I have found so much inside of me that I never would have even known existed without experiencing this. Maybe I haven’t done as much as I could with it, but I want to. I want to be a better me.”

 

(After years of being a part of someone else, Mark wanted to remind himself he was enough on his own.)

 

“I believe in you,” Yugyeom replied, placing his hand on Mark’s back and rubbing it softly. “We all do. You owe it to no one else to prove anything, but doing it for you… for your own selfish reasons… I completely understand.”

Looking up, Mark shared a tiny smile with the other, relieved that he could say what had been on his mind for a few weeks. Without the constant overbearing reassurance of the person he was used to having every day, Mark had shaken off the desire to prove himself to anyone else, honestly believing his own words. He wasn’t a backup plan or a reliable convenience; Mark was his own separate entity, a person worthy of as much admiration and respect that the others had gained through their own ventures. 

“Thanks for listening,” Mark smiled, moving to stand up slowly. “I guess I needed to get that out.”

“No problem,” Yugyeom beamed, stretching as he stood up completely. “One more run through before we head back?”

 

(What had started out as a distraction, a way to avoid the inevitable had turned into a positive. Mark finally believed in not only his words, but himself as well.)

 

“Let’s do it.”

  


***

 

Mark liked to think their end-of-year performance went off without a hitch thanks to his extra practice, feeling an immense sense of confidence as he stood with his bandmates to countdown the seconds until the new year. Of course, it was all pre-filmed and for show, but the idea of already having a fresh mindset leading into next year was extremely appealing to the man. After spending so much extra time practicing and preparing, Mark had distanced himself far enough away from Jackson and their previous arguments that neither had addressed, the pair acting as if nothing had happened at all when in the public eye. Mark had originally thought of planning a night in for the actual date of New Year’s Eve, thinking that it would be the perfect time to talk things through now that enough time had passed for both of them to process it on their own. However, Mark found out through Jinyoung that Jackson had his own schedule in China for the weekend, leaving him to regress on his progress of not completely resenting the other for taking such opportunities.

 

(The fact that Jackson hadn’t told him himself was a different story, but maybe even worse in the back of Mark’s mind.)

 

On the night itself, Mark spent the final minutes of the year looking over the list he had made of his own goals, feeling a slight sense of pride in how much he had achieved by looking inward. He didn’t have any more direction than he did the day the list was started, but he felt more firmly rooted in the path he was on, feeling positive about his own success in the small ways it had grown.

As the clock ticked down, Mark finished off his beer in front of the shared television of the dorm, attempting to ignore the scene of his drunken bandmates scurrying around him. They were all together, minus one, and it left a sick feeling inside of Mark’s chest he didn’t exactly feel like dealing with. It had been months since he had assured Jackson that they were okay, only for him to expose his true feelings weeks later. He wasn’t sure of what they were or what was next, but as Jinyoung took a seat next to him with a glass of something bubbly, Mark understood that he wasn’t alone in dealing with it.

“Happy New Year, Mark,” Jinyoung grinned, tapping his glass against the aluminum can in Mark’s hand. “Here’s to whatever’s next… for all of us.”

Returning the smile with something a bit more somber, Mark simply nodded, finishing off his own drink.

“To us, and whatever comes our way.”

 

 

Avoiding clean up duties that the maknaes would sure to be stuck with, Mark retired to his room minutes later, ready to sleep away whatever restless feelings had stirred in his gut. As he removed his phone from his pocket to charge, Mark noticed an unusual number of messages on the screen, too many to casually ignore.

 

**_Jackson_ **

hi are you celebrating?

**_Jackson_ **

or are we still not talking

**_Jackson_ **

jinyoung says you’re there, so i hope you see this

**_Jackson_ **

...okay i don’t care if you’re there but i have to tell you that i miss you and even if you ignore this i’ll still miss you

**_Jackson_ **

i’m sorry i don’t know how to fix this. i’m so sorry

 

(When is too little too late? Is it always too little, no matter how late?)

 

Mark hesitated, frozen with his phone in his hand as he remained standing next to his bed. Jackson hadn’t said a word to him about the entire situation and in the one moment Mark was hoping for a fresh start, Jackson had already found a way to make his presence known without permission.

As Mark debated a reply, another text came in, even more heart-wrenching than the rest.

 

**_Jackson_ **

i don’t like not being with you. i miss my best friend.

 

Finally taking a seat on the edge of his bed, Mark stared at the string of messages, not quite ready to be as honest as he should.

 

**_Mark_ **

I’m here and i miss you too

**_Mark_ **

Just tell me you’ll be back soon

 

(It was never easy, but maybe it could be.)

 

**_Jackson_ **

i will

**_Jackson_ **

happy new year… i love you

 

With a sigh, Mark placed his phone on the nightstand, getting under his covers to sleep away the rest of his feelings.

 

***

 

Three days later, Jackson returned within a few mile radius of Mark, sending along a text message asking if he’d come by the studio later that day. Still burned from the previous invitation to spend time together recording, Mark asked if it was another part of one of Jackson’s deals, but the younger assured him it would only be them for the time they spent there, no one else coming in between them.

Mark was a little nervous to be alone with Jackson after such a long time apart, wondering what the other was up to by planning this meeting. The text messages Jackson had sent on the final night of the year still circled in his mind, reminding him that everything wasn’t completely broken, a flicker of hope illuminating a path through the darkness. While Jackson was known for being stubborn, Mark felt that he was usually the flexible one, able to bend however needed to keep a situation in the direction needed. They were both finally in unfamiliar territory, an actual break in their relationship that might cause the entirety to fracture.

Walking down the hall of the building towards the studio, Mark tried to calm the flip in his chest as he noticed it really _was_ just Jackson all alone inside waiting for him, taking a deep breath before entering the small space. At the sound of his entrance, Jackson turned and offered a kind smile, scooting over on the small couch along the back wall of the studio.

“You came,” Jackson stated, facing Mark as the older took a seat a few feet away. “Thank you.”

“I did,” Mark replied, resting his hands in his lap as a nervous energy radiated between them. “How was your fligh-“

“Please,” Jackson interrupted, holding up his hand, Mark noticing a slight tremble. “Can I say something first before we both start acting like everything is normal?”

Nodding, Mark lounged back into the couch to let Jackson continue. The other man sighed and composed himself, looking back up at Mark with a more serious expression.

“I know that things haven’t been good for a while,” he began, voice soft and exposed. “I also know that my actions haven’t exactly matched the words I was saying. I haven’t been trying the way I should, but I’m figuring out how to change that.

“I’m scared… of so much,” Jackson’s voice broke on the last word, Mark sitting up a bit straighter as the conversation seemed to take a turn he didn’t expect.

“What are you afraid of?” Mark asked quietly, hesitating before resting his hand on Jackson’s knee to comfort him.

“Losing everything,” Jackson replied. “My family’s trust, these opportunities, my friends…”

 

A pause, a glance up.

 

“You,” Jackson added, gaze matching Mark’s without hesitation. “More than anything.”

“But I’m not those once in a lifetime things,” Mark immediately countered, words tasting sour on his tongue.

“Like hell you aren’t,” Jackson snapped. “ _You_ are the one thing I am closest to losing and it’s tearing me apart. I’ve driven us apart and I…”

Jackson sighed, rubbing his face as he held it in his hands, Mark reaching over and rubbing his shoulder gently.

“You what?” Mark asked softly, wanting the other to continue.

“I… I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel like you were anything but important to me,” Jackson explained, looking up slowly. “I need to work harder on proving that to you… I need it to be obvious that I care.”

“You know, it’s not even the fact that you’re gone and doing your own thing,” Mark offered, sitting closer to the other on the couch. “I got used to that. But… I still haven’t gotten used to finding things out through other people. Sometimes it feels like you’re talking to everyone _but_ me.” 

“I know,” Jackson sighed, looking away. “I can’t say it wasn’t on purpose.”

“But why?” Mark questioned, expression growing more concerned. “Why avoid me?”

“Because I started to feel like I had pushed you too far,” Jackson looked back at the other, guilty and exposed. “Telling you meant that there was a chance you’d finally tell me to fuck off or something even worse… I know it was cowardly of me to not just tell you, but like I said I’ve been…” 

“Scared,” Mark completed Jackson’s thought, nodding, trying to keep himself calm as his internal monologue began to simmer with frustration. “I get it. I don’t appreciate it, but I guess that’s not important at this point.”

“Look, I’m not saying anything I did was right,” Jackson rushed out, sensing Mark’s underlying anger. “I’m giving you my honest thoughts, whether they’re shitty or not. I fucked up. I’ve been fucking us up for a while and I want to fix it and this is the only way I could think to start. New year, clean slate…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mark sank back into the couch, crossing his arms across his chest. “I tried to have the same thoughts. It’s not that easy, I guess.”

“I know you’ve been trying,” Jackson stated, keeping his distance on the couch. “Even when we didn’t talk, I saw you. I watched you practice more, I heard you doing everything to keep pushing forward. I know you’ve found that fresh start.”

 

(Maybe Mark didn’t _want_ to admit it to himself, but he had hoped someone had caught on.)

 

“Well,” Mark bit his lip, “I had time to kill.”

“Don’t do that,” Jackson tried his best to not seem like he wanted to roll his eyes. “ _You_ have been pushing yourself to do your best for as long as I’ve known you… which is pretty long now.” 

“Thanks… I guess?” Mark sat up, shrugging, somewhat confused at the turn their conversation took. “But what does this have to do with us? Where are we going with this?”

Jackson remained quiet, looking deep in thought. Mark watched him tentatively, feeling a bit impatient about the lack of real solutions the other was avoiding offering. The few weeks that had passed were the longest they had gone without being in direct contact and even if it were a temporary solution, Mark wanted to know where they were going to head next. For once, he wanted a concrete plan from Jackson, not lip service about them always finding a way to make things work in the end. Mark wanted a promise, a word to hold Jackson to when things would get rough again, a way for them both to remember what was most important in the end.

 

(An idea of how they both could be happy again.)

 

“I want this,” Jackson confirmed, reaching out to Mark again, the other hesitating before placing his hand in his grip. “I’m throwing away all my bad ideas, talking to the others in hopes it gets to you. I’ve always known you were important, and I’m going to prove it every day. With a text or call if I’m away and when I’m here, I’ll be _here_. Physically _and_ mentally. But I need you to promise me something, too.”

“What?” Mark asked quietly.

“Be honest with me,” Jackson smiled a bit. “You’re the best at it.”

With a soft laugh to himself, Mark watched Jackson’s face recolor at the sound, feeling satisfied with the deal. It wasn’t his strong suit to continually call Jackson out on his bad behavior, but they both needed to put in the work to make their relationship strong again.

“Deal,” Mark smiled. “I’ll do my best.”

Finally at a point where bodily contact seemed important, Mark pulled Jackson into a tight embrace, wrapping his arms around his middle as tight as possible as he felt the same from the other. They stayed like that for a moment until Jackson suddenly pulled away, a suspicious smirk on his face. 

“I have something for you.”

Before Mark could question what it was Jackson had fetched a songwriting notebook from his bag, flipping to a bookmarked page with _MARK_ scrawled across the top margin.

“Like I said, I was watching you,” Jackson explained. “I wanted to write you something that expressed how I felt about you. Cheesy, right?”

“A little,” Mark grinned, hoping his blush hadn’t spread to the tips of his ears.

“Well, I was writing in the studio and as things came to me, it felt less like I was writing about how I felt about you, and more about what I hope you had been feeling about yourself,” Jackson continued, finally letting Mark take a glance at the lyrics jotted down. “I wanted you to know you’re enough. For me, for anyone, for yourself.”

Blinking slowly, Mark moved his gaze from Jackson’s animated expressions to view the words on the page, his heart warming at the idea of Jackson wanting to pull the best out of him. The general concept reinforced Mark’s self-worth, feeling undeniably lucky that he had found what he was meant to do… and the people he was meant to share it with.

“You have the music here?” Mark asked. “I mean, if you got that far yet.”

“Yes!” Jackson smiled, jumping up to sit behind the computer near the soundboard. “Get in the booth, I’ll walk you through it.”

With a nod, Mark picked the notebook up, going into the soundproof booth and closing the door behind him. Slipping on the bulky headphones, Mark read over the lyrics again, speaking through them as Jackson cued up the track. Once it had started, Mark gave Jackson a nod as they walked through it together two times, Mark performing the portion that had been written to Jackson’s delight.

Feeling more relaxed than he had in months, Mark took a pen from the music stand the notebook rested on, scribbling in some of his own thoughts and lyrics before running through the track again. Seemingly impressed by Mark’s additions, Jackson hollered his praise through the microphone, Mark giggling as he heard each compliment.

“Come in here,” Mark suggested. “Leave it recording.”

Without needing another invite, Jackson hopped into the booth, smiling wide as he gave Mark another hug.

“You are killing this!” Jackson exclaimed. “Like, I know it was written _for_ you, but still!”

“Jackson,” Mark stopped him, smiling. “What do you think about this part?”

Mark pointed to a portion of the song that was more like a bridge, lyrics that he had adjusted to better suit the overall message. When recording it, his voice had sounded fine, but in that moment, he wanted it to become something more special, something they could hold onto when there were lingering unfounded doubts.

“I like it,” Jackson smiled. “But maybe I’d do it like this…”

Jackson immediately went to the microphone and began performing the selected part, Mark watching with a proud smile on his face as Jackson brought his own spin to the portion. Once the man had finished, Mark kissed his cheek, Jackson’s shocked expression causing him to giggle again.

“That’s your part,” Mark smiled, leaving the stunned Jackson in the booth as he went around to the soundboard, speaking into the microphone as he adjusted the recording settings. “Let’s do it again.”

Motioning that he was ready, Mark played the instrumental for Jackson to follow, recording his part within the program to layer with the rest. Once he had a few good takes under his belt, Mark called him outside, the pair working to arrange a rough copy to play back. 

It wasn’t the highest quality, but the demo was proof that they could work together still, not only on a song, but on more than the public knew. Mark saw the song as a turning point, a moment where he would eventually look back and reflect on how far they had come from months of uncertainty to a reminder that they were exactly who they always had been: Jackson, the determined, passionate overachiever who never seemed to rest and Mark, the quiet, yet focused performer who had reached a level beyond his wildest dreams.

As the song came to an end, Mark simply turned to look at Jackson, gazes locking as they both leaned in, a soft kiss shared as a promise to a year of new beginnings.

  
(For an after-recording treat, Jackson insisted on ice cream from the corner store. Suddenly, it tasted just as Mark remembered all those years ago.)

  
  
(It wasn’t easy, but… they were going to be okay.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH I KNOW. 9 months!! but. it's finished and i'm so happy to share this modified ending with you from what i had originally planned.
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this!! i'm not big on canon fic and idk how much of it i'll do in the future but i appreciate anyone who has read this, subscribed, bookmarked, commented, etc! you guys are amazing.
> 
> i'm on twitter again~~ @amerituandream -- I'll be sharing updates on the new fics i'm working on and progress on anything else that pops up. 
> 
> thank you for your support!! <33


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